Dude! Awesome!
I took T to our local playground over the weekend. We walked. It only takes about 10 minutes. I wouldn’t think twice about walking half a mile in England. Here, it took over 5 minutes of deliberation before finally deciding to venture out on foot. I didn’t see a single other pedestrian/human being on the way. Not one. Only weirdos walk in LA. Weirdos, Brits and the occasional New Yorker.
When I arrived at the playground I was shocked to see another father there. 99% of the time the only other adults there are women. And 80% of the time the only other adults there are nannies. Subsequently, most of the time I’m at the playground I feel like I’m encroaching in women’s territory. I know it’s stupid but I’m terrified that the women will think I’m trying to pull them if I even glance in their direction. So whenever I’m there I focus on T, and T alone. I’d like to make friends and if I was another Mum I’d suggest going for a coffee (isn’t that what women do?). Such behaviour in a man however, is surely inappropriate. Perhaps I should bite the bullet and do it - for research purposes only you understand. But what if they said yes? What would we talk about? I’ll tell you what. Kids. Here are the top 5 hot topics:
Coming in at number 5) When do they sleep? Is 5am a lie-in in your household?
A non-mover at 4) What do they eat? Do yours eat greens?
Still at 3) Potty training, featuring consistency of poo - soft, hard or runny?
For the 52nd week at number 2) How do you deal with tantrums? Naughty step? Discuss…
And straight in at number 1) Private school waiting lists, sign up before birth or panic.
I make no apologies for finding all of the above DULL DULL DULL.
Anyway, to get back to the point. Another man was at the playground. Maybe, at last I could make a friend. Yeah, right. The guy was one of those overgrown fraternity boys - you know the kind - 35 going on 18. I swear, his vocabulary stretched to just two words. Dude and awesome. In his defence, he did manage to mix it up a bit. Sometimes he’d say, “awesome dude,” and other times it would be, “dude, awesome.” People like this really do exist. I meet them on a daily basis. I crave interaction and a decent conversation so what should I do? Do I surrender? It wouldn’t be difficult. All I’d have to do is work out religiously, start popping creatine and wear the uniform - baseball cap, Ralph Lauren polo shirt and chino shorts. Then on approach say something along the lines of, “Dude, how about the Lakers game? Awesome.” We’d be buddies in seconds - easy. Then again maybe I should just keep myself to myself. The reserved and aloof British guy with the cute kid. I don’t know what’s worse?
I’d better go now. I’m off to Costco. We’ll soon have enough supplies to survive a nuclear winter. That’ll be a weight off my mind, let me tell you.
